Disappointment

Why do we let it happen? How did it happen? Why did I let myself get this way? All the questions that run through a girls mind when she likes a guy. I'm so sick and tired of being strung along. I'm ready to move on and be loved. I wanna be loved for what I am and who I am. I'm tired of going day to day wondering if I'm gonna hear from him, or who he is with, or how he talks to another girl, if she feels as special as I do when he calls me or talks to me. Jealousy is a hideous beast and it is so hard to tame. I want to feel safe and secure in the fact that he will respond to my text messages an he will keep a damn conversation with me. So I'm moving on. I'm making the decision that I deserve better. I deserve more than you have to offer me. You don't deserve me or my love. I love my life and I just want happiness and love. I want companionship, I want laughter, security, trust, and the bond. I want to smile when he walks into the room. Why is it so damn difficult? I will find happiness and I will be loved. Good things come to those who wait!!

oh where to start

This is for all the people out there that feel like they don't have anyone who understands.

For starters I am now a SINGLE mother. I dumped the biggest waste of my time about 2 months ago and have never felt more refreshed. Don't get me wrong its hard to go from not being alone for 5 1/2 years to being alone, but at the same time shit I'm alone!! I love it. I graduated from nursing school with my LPN and currently waiting to take my state boards. I am getting ready to start my Bachelors Program through ISU and I am seriously thrilled about it! Yeah I am one of those nerds that actually likes school. Hell I'll probably be in school the rest of my life. Professional student right here!! :)

I have been talking to this guy not so seriously for a couple days and whoa. I have known him for quite some time and never even thought about it. But now that I have its a wonderful thought. But honestly I'm not looking for anything remotely serious and just want to see how things end up. Its crazy how so much can change in one year. I am seriously in love with my life and feel so blessed to of had to courage to do what I have done to get to this point.

Now on to better things: PEYTON!! The one true love of my life!! He is absolutely perfect. He will be four soon and I cannot believe it! And he starts preschool in 2 WEEKS!!! Talk about crazy! My baby is growing with warp like speed!! :) oh but its not going to slow down anytime soon!!

I have decided that for my life I am going to always live young. When I am 30 I'll still feel 20, when I'm 40 I want to still feel 30, and so on. I just don't ever want to get to the point where I am where my parents are. It's sad that today Peyton wanted to call my dad (which isn't out of the ordinary), and on the other end of the phone all of my child's grandparents were drunk at 4:00pm on a Wednesday at the VFW. How sad is it that my son is going to grow up with his memories of his grandparents being drunk. Don't get me wrong that's what my memories of my dad are, but I vowed that my child's memories would be different. And that's crumbling. I wish there was some way of getting through to them and saying you know why do you feel its appropriate to be wasted when you see my son or even talk to him on the phone. It would be different if this was the first time, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to "have a talk" with my parents about being sober around Peyton. Ridiculous if you ask me, but how do I stop it. How do I crush my son's heart when I can't let him be around his grandparents anymore??? I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was a way to fix this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most people call all the shots with their children, and if those aren't respected and obeyed then its the others loss, right?? Well I'm tired of the same old song and dance. I'm tired of them "just having a few drinks" right before they know they are going to have him. Is it seriously that hard to not drink on the days you have him? Especially when you didn't drink the night before? Or is it that you need the drink to be able to keep him? If that's the case no one is asking you to do it. I may ask but tell me that he's too much that you need a "few" before hand and i'll make other arrangements!!

Sorry for the rant session. I just really wanted that off of my chest! I feel loads better now, and I plan on writing again soon!!

Way too long!!!

Ok so I haven't written in way too long!! Lets start on the positive side, then I will vent! :)

Peyton is almost 3 years old!! It seems unreal! He is just a little person! He can seriously carry on a conversation with you and respond like a child does! It is seriously great! I love him so much, and he is seriously my best friend!

School. Well I finished my last semester at Ivy Tech in May, and transferred to Galen College of Nursing in July. I love it! Seriously one of my best decisions academically! I am finishing up my first quarter and start the second quarter on October 21. Love this school, and the fact that my sister is going with me is amazing! I am so proud of her!

Now on to harder stuff. I am still with James, and honestly I don't know why. We aren't happy together and we fight constantly. He has promised me in the past that when I start school I won't have to worry about any bills whatsoever! Well what a lie that has been! He hasn't worked in 2 weeks and I'm doing all the supporting! Not to mention that in th 2 weeks he hasn't even looked for a job! That is the most frustrating part of it all! I try every morning to get him up to get ready to go job hunting, and its epic failure every single day! UGH! I feel like there is no reason why I should have to beg him to WANT to get a job and support his family! He is getting old real quick. I really just want to do this on my own! Like I know that i can get the support I need from my family, but with him here there shouldn't be a need for outside support! I'm over it and over trying to make it work!

Unfortunately I have so much on my mind right now I can't think of everything I want to write about! So for now I'm gonna take a nap and try to relax before I go to work.

Here I go again!

Wow today has been great so far! I got up and took James to work. Then P and I had breakfast with Jacq, Whit, and Maddie. Then we went to pay the babysitter. Then I was taking him to get his hair cut, and his barber no longer works at the shop that she has worked in for god knows how long!! You know i was soo iffy on getting his hair cut the first time, but once she did it i loved it. So we kept going back to her. Now she is gone and I can't let just anyone touch his hair. So that is my delima for the day. I called my aunt who is also a barber, but she is off today (just my luck). So now we can't get his pictures made until tomorrow. sucky!
Any who... Summer semester is almost over!! only two and a half weeks left!! yay for me!! I have good grades in all my classes!! I believe I have A's in all of them!! which i need! I am so ready to be out of school and bringing in good money! I think i am aiming for working only 3 days a week. Like 12 hour days! that gives me more time to spend with my baby! But this is like 2 years down the road! that is my goal. If I have never mentioned it before. I want to graduate college before Peyton starts kindergarten. We'll see if i acheive it!
I ran into an old friend today! I was great seeing him! It has been 4 years since the last time i saw him. He looked awesome, and so did his truck! lol! Yes I am a sucker for big trucks! But that nothing more than just seeing an old friend! Dammit!! lol just kidding! Well my day has been pretty productive, so now i am gonna watch Katt Williams, and lay on the couch til Peyton wakes up. He needs his nap today, because tonight we are going to the fair!! Woo Hoo!! His first time, hope it all goes ok!

WOW... i have been slacking!!

Well where do I start... I am in my second semester of school, and its going really well. Thanks to Jacqueline and James I have a B in anatomy!! the biggest news in my life right now is the passing of Michael Jackson!! wow i loved him! RIP man....
I am working two jobs on top of school and peyton. Its rough, but I am making good money. Which is getting my bills paid off very quickly!! Thank ya jesus!! Thats means i can move out that much quicker. Don't get me wrong staying with dad and lisa is great, but everyone knows that once you have been on your own, its sooooo hard to go back to the parents house.
Peyton is doing so well.. I know that jacqueline gets tired of me blogging about how much i love him, but that is seriously the hardest thing ever!! He is the reason i am pushing myself so hard to get through school. My baby will have whatever he needs and when he needs it. No $9.00 an hour job can offer him that. Now i'm not knocking those jobs cause trust me i have had my fair share of them. but i want peyton to experience everything. Especially with our family. I am planning our first family vacation for next summer. We are taking Logan and Peyton to Myrtle Beach, SC. It should be amazing since i have never been there and it will be Peytons first time to see the ocean. then hopefully we can go every year. (lol high hopes)...
well i have got to get to bed since i have to be at school at 8 am tomorrow. I love you all who care and for those who don't why in the f* are you reading my blog?? haters do your job!! love everyone!!

One semester down.. lots more to go!

Well I have successfully completed my first semester in college!! Woo Hoo for me! But I don't know if I passed my psychology class.. I'm sure I will have to retake it, but oh well... I have decided to transfer to IUS this fall... It will let me graduate with a bachelor degree and I will get to cut out an extra year of school!! So thats exciting.
Life has been going pretty well lately. I haven't had ANY drama, and thats amazing!! lol.. For the most part all is well. I have started looking for another job. I hate my job at S&SC. That place is a train wreck!! They are so unorganized and have no idea how to manage employees. For example this weeks schedule didn't get sent out until 10pm last night.. yeah so if you were scheduled for tuesday morning you wouldn't have known until monday night!!! They are just slacking and worrying about promo and parties. Its sad because that could have been a really fun place to work, but oh well there is something better out there that could use my talents!! lol...
Peyton is getting sooooo big. He acts like he is grown already! I am taking him to the barber shop tomorrow for his 2nd haircut. I swear he makes me want to cry everytime I look at him! He is talking more and more everyday. I can't wait for the days when we are riding in the car and he is telling me stories! I love that about Logan, and Peyton should be just as good about it. He is starting to throw fits though.. I want to laugh so bad, but I try to ignore him... I'm not sure which way to go with it. Punish him for the fits or ignore them... I am trying to ignore them right now, but if that doesn't work then we will start punishing him... Having a child is hard sometimes, because you don't know which way is the right way for that child... As Jackson would say "I'm never having children!" lol it's too late for that for me!
Well I am runnig out of things to write about, so until next time!!! :)

You know who you are!!!

Ok so I am really not sure what this blog is gonna be about, but I just know that I need to ramble so here I go.

Have you ever been on the phone with a friend and just talking about general things.. life friends, work, school, family, and never thought twice about the things you were saying. Until the next day when a true friends calls you to give you the exact details of the convo you had the night previous??? Yeah will if this has happened to you then this is what I have to say:

GROW UP!!!! Find something interesting to talk about in your own life!! Just because I have shared information with you, does NOT make it your business!! I hope this is going throught clearly!!! From now on if you so choose to call me you can leave out all personal questions about myself and my life as I will NOT be sharing any more details with you!! If you want to talk to me about your life thats great, because unlike others I will not do this to you nor have I ever done this to you!! It isn't my place to discuss your business with other people!!!!!

Now I am over that and moving on! Work is going really great. I am now currently employed at the Sports & Social Club located on 4th Street Live. It is going to be amazing!! I get to go to work and party all night long! Who could ask for more! I'm sure that sleep will be compromised, but going to work and enjoying it is worth it to me!

Well I believe that my rambling session is over, and I have lots to do. So until next time!! <3